Ajith's Jokes Page

Here are some jokes for your entertainment:

WARNING: The jokes that follow are not meant to offend anyone! These are jokes, obviously they are NOT going to be 'Politically Correct'!!

Frozen Lake

What do you call four Hispanic guys sitting on a frozen lake?
Quatro sinkos!

I know (or used to know) a few of these... For political correctness, please use the following terminology:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE (we all know this type)

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

PICKUP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. My love for you is like diarrhea-I just can't hold it in.

7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

10. You remind me of a championship bass-I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

11. Your parents must be retarded because you are special.

12. Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?

13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open and I'll put my head in.

Bill Clinton Jokes
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, `Throw the first PITCH!

Asshole or Lawyer?

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."
Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."
The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

<Names you wish people had (you could make fun of them all day and still not get tired!)
1. Hugh Jass
2. Hugh G. Rection
3. Stu Pitazz
4. Ivana Dusche
5. Heywood Jablowmi
7. Amanda Huggenkiss
8. B.O. Problem
9. Al Coholic
10. I.P. Freely
11. Oliver Clothesoff
12. Homer Sexual
13. Seymour Butts (an actual "pornstar's" name!)
14. Mike Rotch
15. Ivana Tinkle
16. Ben Dover (an actual "pornstar's" name!)
17. Kenny Eaterbush
19. Philmore Butts
20. Ivana Humpalot ( From Austin Powers 2. It took me a while to figure it out!!)
Famous Last Words
What were the last four words said before the Challenger blew up? "What's this button do?"

Blond Jokes
(Note:I got this joke from some guy on tripod. I am not sure what his name is. This joke was the named 'joke of the month'. I liked it, so I put it up here.)
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a big breasted blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person.....because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women at large....all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Surfside Sex
Two elderly ladies, Sophie and Sadie were visiting each other at a Miami beachfront condominium.
Sadie asks, "So, what are you doing for excitement these days?"
Sophie replies, "Oh, I watch the soap operas and the talk shows on TV. There's nothing else. How about you? What do you do for excitement?"
Sadie answers, "What can one do these days? Not much.. Once in a while I suck on a Lifesaver."
Sophie says, "My, my aren't you lucky to live so close to the beach!"

'Politically Correct'
Airhead = Reality Impaired
Bald = Folically Challenged
Beggar = Economically Unprepared
Bitch = Vocally Augmented
Blind = Photonically Non-receptive
Deceased = Metabolically Challenged
Deaf = Visually Oriented
Drug Addict = Chemically Challenged
Drunk = Spacially Perplexed
Fat = Calorifically Enhanced
Girl = Pre-Woman
Handicapped = Differently Abled
Homeless = Optionally Residential
Hooker = Sexual-Care Provider
Housewife = Domestic Technician
Hunter = Animal Assassin
Insane People = Selectively Perceptive
Old People = Geriatricologically Advanced
Poor = Monitarily Deficient
Short = Vertically Challenged
Slum = Economic Oppression Zone
Ugly = Attractively Impaired

The Pet Alligator
An Australian walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one solid minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The Australian stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the Aussie grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals -- unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The Australian stood up again and made another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100.00 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the bar patrons... After a minute of total silence, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up: "I'll give it a try -- but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Valentine Special
(Courtesy of My cousin Radha Krishnan)
I know this one is a bit long but it's a good one
THIS JOKE WILL NOT MAKE SENSE TO YOU UNLESS YOU ARE FROM INDIA!

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't--the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.
During the next year and one-month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like.
When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened:
A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips."Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own.
And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment.
"I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!
It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.
"Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."

Valentine Special(DESI Version; Note: For those who don't know what Desi is: In Hindi, it means 'native', in this context it means the 'Indian' version)
Ganapathi(Ganapathi is the Hindu god for knowledge) stood up from the bench, straightened his lungi, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Chengulpat Railway Station. He looked for the girl whose culinary skills he knew, but whose face he didn't. Yes. The Girl With the Spoon. His interest in her had begun 13 months before in a Saravana Bhavan, Chengulpat. Biting a piece of vada, he found himself intrigued - not with the Sambar tin, but with that coriander leaves in the Sambar. The soft frangrance from it reflected a thoughtful soul and a gourmet mind. In front of the tin, he discovered a register and quickly searched for the girl's name. There was only one female name in the register. Karpagambal. Lovely name. As lovely as the last Vada+Sambar bite he had. With time and effort he located her address. She lived in Chengulpat city. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next week he left for other states on business. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail.Each letter was a spice falling into a terrific sambar. A lovely dish wasbudding.Ganapathi requested a photograph of her spoon and a copy of her recipe, and ofcourse hers. But she refused to send photo. She felt that if he really cared her sambar, it wouldn't matter how she looked. When the day finally came for him to return from other states, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Railway Station in Chengulpat. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the long steel spoon I'll be holding in my right hand." So at 7:00 PM he was in the station looking for a girl whose sambar he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Ganapathi tell you what happened: A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim like a drumstick ready for Sambar. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears reminding me of the coriander plant I had in his backyard when I was in Chengulpat 13 months ago. In her pale green dress, she was like that Saravana Bhavan friend of mine, in Green uniform, who used to treat me with a generous amount of Sambar everytime I was there. I started walking towards her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not having a long steel spoon in her right hand. As I moved, I saw a small, provocative appalam packet adorning her hand. "You like appalams sir, oru packet anji rooba (each packet Rs. 5)?" she murmured. Then I saw Karpagambal. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had a greying hair. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes - looking like a sambar-onion after a mild fry. The appalam-girl in the green dress was walking away quickly. I felt guilty that I didn't buy atleast 1 packet. I felt as though I was split in two like a coconut before preparing chutney. So keen was my desire to follow my appalam-girl, and yet so deep was my longing for this woman-with-the-steel-spoon whose cooking had truly impressed me and upheld my own. And there she stood - with an iridescent "Amitabh Bachan" brand long steel spoon. Her pale, plump visage was gentle like the medu vadai. Her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle like the one on a Vim-washed steel coffee glass under bright sun.I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue towel on my shoulders that was to identify me to her. This would not be love. But it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love. A friendship for which I had been and must ever be, grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the towel to the woman.Even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Ganapathi ,and you must be Karpagambal. I am so glad you could meet me; will you make me dinner?"The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile like the smile of a hotel server at a customer who hesitates to ask for chutney 3rd time. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green dress who just went by begged me to hold this spoon in my right hand and took my Ambica appalams packet away. And she said if you were to ask me for dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in her house across the street. She said it was some kind of test!" I slowly realised and started to admire Karpagambal's wisdom inidentifying connoisseurs of real sambar. I realised,the true nature of a gourmet can be found by studying his response to the Served and not the Server."Tell me what you love, " Murugan wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."
Here's the little test:

Read the following sentence:

"FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDYCOMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS."
Now, count the number of "F's" in the sentence.
NOTE: Count ONLY ONCE!! Don't go back and count again!
See below for the results:
There are actually 6 "F's" in the sentence.
**If you spotted just 2 Fs, you have a BRICK for a brain
**A person of AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE finds 3.
**If U spotted 4, you're ABOVE AVERAGE.
**If U got 5, you can turn your nose at most anybody.
**If U got 6, you're a GENIUS.
There's NO CATCH to this. Many people forget to count the "F's" in the "OF's". The human brain tends to see them as "V's"instead of "F's."Pretty weird,huh? It fools almost everybody!

If you still think Life is fair, read this. you will instantaneously change your opinion!

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? ...A death.
What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, You get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, You play, you have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby.
You go back into the womb,
You spend your last nine months floating...
You finish off as an orgasm.

Good, Bad, Worse!
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You Can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He Looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your wife says you can go golfing all you want.
Bad: Because she's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas last year.

Good: The Teacher Likes your son.
Bad: Sexually
Worse: The teacher is a man

Good: You came home for a quickie<
Bad: The postman had the same idea
Worse: There are 5 guys in line.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

Medicine (Disgusting joke) A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

Windows 2000
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from YOUR GOD Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted...Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder, find the ANY key and press it.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user and press the ANY key.(This is a good one!)
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Top 25 Things your wife will never say!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!
24. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
21. Christ, not the *?% mall again, let's go to that new strip joint.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a six-pack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Heather over for a threesome.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
17. Your mother is way better than mine
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
13. I love it when you play golf on Saturdays and Sundays, I just wish you had time to play in the middle of the week, too.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
7. Your so sexy when you're hungover.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my *#%@.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
And now...keep your mouths open for the winner!

1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste!